January 2010
17 posts
I Bit My Tongue
I’ll be patient. And when that time comes, we’ll all know who’s the one with their priorities all straightened out. It’ll be great.
Thunder - Matisyahu
His album is sooo good.
fmylife:
Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I’m opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole Big Mac. I loved it. FML
College
22% graduation rate, 18% transfer rate, 69% retention rate. I know, staying in community college is not a bad choice, at all (hence the percentage of retention). But, my question is, how long is too long? I know that question makes absolutely no sense, even I don’t get it. What I’m trying to get at is basically I do not want to be a part of the retention rate after this upcoming spring...
fmylife:
Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML
fmylife:
Today, I decided that it would be romantic to fill my girlfriends room with scented candles and suprise her when she was done with her shower. I lied there naked with Kenny G music playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so i replied “come in”. To my suprise it was her mom. FML
fmylife:
Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML
fmylife:
Today, I was having sex with a guy, and as he came, he shouted “MORTAL KOMBAT!” His roommate shouted back, “FINISH HER!” FML
fmylife:
Today, I got a biology quiz back. I had drawn a dinosaur on the back of the page, asking for extra credit. When my teacher handed it to me, I turned it over to see that he had drawn a caveman shooting arrows at my dinosaur. It was bleeding. Profusely. I didn’t get the extra credit. FML
fmylife:
Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, “It’s cold tonight.” Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, “I know how to warm you up” and we would make love. Tonight, she said “I know how to warm you up” and farted on me. FML
Dope
fmylife:
Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML
fmylife:
Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML
fmylife:
Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I’m going to be an uncle. FML
fmylife:
Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML
fmylife:
Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML